Wednesday, June 1, 2011

This hurts, and God is still good.

Dear Violet, baby of mine, baby two, little green,

I have carried your name since I was a little girl. Violet, a flower, growth, love, beauty. A treasure of a name, I tucked it in my pocket and waited, knowing one day I would get to use it. What a sweet day it was for your daddy and me when we saw you for the first time. A squiggly little bean on a black and white screen.

Violet. Sometimes it's hard for me to say your name, but how can I not say it? For all those weeks, I carried you in my womb, and for a short, bittersweet moment after you died, I got to hold your little forming body in my hands. You were so small that I couldn't believe it, a miracle in the palm of my hand.  The most heart-breaking 4 inches of my life. I won't turn you into a silent "she," or worse, a nothing. Your little life has become a placemarker in mine. A dividing line in the short timeline of my days. There were those days before you, and the days that come after. I believe you are in heaven, but I will carry your name in my heart until I am an old woman standing at a kitchen sink, grandchildren scattered at my feet, love all around me, and I will pull your name from my pocket just the way my own grandmother used to pull a tissue from her blouse. It will be vibrant and new, just like you.

Some people grieve losses by mourning for things that never were. I understand that, but I am not one of those people. Today, my heart hurts for what I had that is lost to me, the thrill of a second baby on the way, the bliss of carrying another child for the husband I adore, the small joys of choosing baby clothes and thinking about decorating a nursery. 

Tiniest baby of mine, our time together was good. We went to yoga, we ate well, we spent many hours laughing with good friends under the oak tree across the street, and we rocked your big brother to sleep a hundred times. Our time together was full of hope and assurance in Him. Even when I saw the first tell-tale signs that I was losing you, the smear of bright blood where none should have been, the sharp pains in my side, I was filled with hope that He would take care of us.

And you know what? He is. Each time that I start to float away from the love that surrounds me, He pulls me back. 

Little daughter, dream baby, child I held only once, please know that I have so much love for you, and that I always will. No matter how many children I have or don't have, you were my second child, the child for whom I prayed. You will always be my answered prayer.

Your mama

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
-Psalm 138: 13-14

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