I have been kind of quiet lately. I have been listening. And thinking. And listening some more.
I wish I could find the perfect picture for this post. Except that I don't know what the perfect picture would be, and it's definitely not on my laptop right now.
What I want to convey is so deeply personal that it's going to come out a little on the messy side; what I feel is too big to be articulate.
What I want to say is this: I am on bed rest, my placenta is damaged, but my heart is weighted down with joy.
I am at peace. My heart feels real life joy. Right now. Today.
A person whom I love who says she does not want God told me this weekend, "I am jealous of people who have faith. It seems so nice and easy."
Sometimes the world comes crashing down around us; our husbands up and leave, our children step in front of moving cars, our doctors frown and point out cancers. In my case, I learned that the very blood in my veins is on a daily mission to assault my functioning, to clog me up with blood clots and ripped open secret places no one can even detect except through ultrasound. Oh, goody.
What I want to say is this: My cup runneth over.
I feel connected to you, person reading this. From the e-mails I receive, I know you are a lovely person who has stumbled across this little acre of web and you are questioning things, or looking for something, even if you don't know what that something is. Some encouragement? Some hope that there is true and honest to goodness joy to be had after infertility, or loss, or a life that looks perfect on the outside but feels like empty on the inside?
I don't know how else to say it, or if my words have become too muddled to untangle here, but my world is all kinds of crazy right now and I am coasting on a raft of calm. I am grounded and standing on something unshakable: the knowledge that God has promised me a future. That He loves me. That He knows me. That He has searched my heart and understands me. Until you have it yourself, this true thing I am saying will not make any sense. It's not supposed to.
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
The commentary in the Bible I love, The Application Study Bible, New International Version, explains it like this:
On Romans 8:28 - God works in "all things"--not just isolated incidents--for our good. This does not mean that all that happens to us is good. Evil is prevalent in our fallen world, but God is able to turn every circumstance around for our long-range good. Note that God is not working to make us happy, but to fulfill his purpose. Note also that this promise is not for everybody. It can be claimed only by those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Such people have a new perspective, a new mind-set on life. They trust in God, not life's treasures; they look for their security in heaven, not on earth; they learn to accept, not resent, pain and persecution because God is with them.
I hope that made sense.