Sometimes trusting God is something I can only do with my eyes squeezed shut because I am too scared to look at what lies ahead, though I trust He will see me through it.
Sometimes, when I lay on the table at the maternal fetal specialist's office, my husband's hand closed over mine is the only thing holding me down to earth. I imagine that if he let me go, I would float off and over the roof of the hospital and end up dangling from the moon.
Sometimes, though, God says, "Enough."
Sometimes, He says, "You have to trust me. I will fight for you. You need only be still." (Exodus 14:14)
I have been still for six weeks and two days. I have had no choice. And today, lying on the exam table, my growing belly and sensitive rib cage already stretching to the max, the sonographer looked confused.
"I don't see it," she said. "The tear. It's gone. I honestly can't even see it."
Wave after wave after wave of grace. I tried to keep my head above the water. How does He decide when to apply salve to wounds and when to let fresh scars tear open? I have no idea. I have been on the receiving end of each, but today was a day of salve. A day of balm and comfort and healing and happy happy joy joy bursting through my heart.
A day so different than April 3, when I felt the blood drain from my heart and evaporate, my fingertips and face turn numb as the doctor spoke to us slowly, reaching out and gripping my arm to keep me from falling backwards.
What does all of this mean? It means that today Joshua is strong and healthy, big for his age, moving and kicking, totally unaffected by the dead part of the placenta. It means that the tear is gone, though our specialist won't say it's healed since that part of the placenta is still blank and unresponsive, though it doesn't seem to be impacting either Joshua or me.
It means that today I ordered the most beautiful and perfect crib bedding I could afford. If you are a mother who has had a miscarriage, you know how significant that is.
We ordered crib bedding today.
God, I have said it when it stung, and I say it now in joy, too: my heartfelt HALLELUJAH!
"God is in the midst of her.
She shall not be moved.
He will help her when morning dawns."
Psalm 46 verse 5