Saturday, October 8, 2011

Joy is a Choice

"Believe me when I say it's not about your scars, it's all about your heart."
- Mindy Gledhill, "All About Your Heart"

Little one, tiny being, smallest bundle of cells and light,

If I were to listen to many around me, I would not call you by name. I would not let myself feel the connection, imagine the bustling of cells toward your embryonic shape, send love your way. For the first few days I knew you were here, I was tempted to guard my heart. After losing one baby, my heart is sometimes shy.

But now that I have had dozens of needles in my veins to prove your presence and halted growth, listened with your father at my side while one nurse tells us you certainly won't stay long and one doctor says that maybe you might, your father and I have learned (through our tears, deepest intakes of breath, and restless sleep) that we already love you. You are our child, undeniable and real. In my eyes, you are already a miracle. 

Little baby, tiny miracle, I hope against hope that you will stay, though it is not up to me to decide. As your mother, I promise to give you my very best until your time comes. I will rest, I will be healthy. I will not run, I will not exert, per our doctor's orders. I will hold you in my heart, I will give you a name. 

And above all, I will be joyful. I will praise God for making you fearfully and wonderfully. He sees you now, even when I cannot. He designed you with a purpose and a plan, a plan to help you and not to harm you. You have a sister in heaven and a brother on earth, and though I don't know which one you will meet first, I am confident that one day I will come to you. 

In our short weeks together, you have taught me something so important. You have taught me that joy is a choice. I choose joy because I know that struggles on earth remind me that joy does not and cannot come from circumstances. It comes from hope in Him. I thank God for you, little being, and in doing that, I let down the walls to my heart. I will not let my dried tears become a moat, I will not pretend you aren't real, and I won't let losing you define me. I will carry you in my heart, even if I can't carry you in my womb.  Like she says in the song, it's not about your scars. It's all about your heart. Tiniest baby, you have helped me make my heart a garden.

Love love love,
Your mama

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