I Carry Your Heart

In the flow of my daily life (stumble to nursery, pick up crying child, return to bed for 15 minutes of trying to doze while laughing child pokes my eyes and sticks small fingers in my mouth and ears, etc.), a new five-second ritual is added. My iPhone alarm sounds at 8 am and I stop, swallow the tiny yellow pill above, chase it with water, and continue on my way. I will do this every day for the rest of my life.

This pill is the simplest solution to my biggest problem. I got a call last week following the round of blood tests I had after I miscarried for the second time in five months. My blood carries an antigen that causes, more often than not, miscarriages. If you have three miscarriages, you are diagnosed as having the syndrome. I have had two, so I am not technically diagnosed. I hope I never get the official diagnosis. 

What about William? I asked the nurse. How was I able to carry him full-term with no complications? A fluke, she answers. But I know better. 

The next time I am pregnant, I will give myself a shot three times a day, every day, until I give birth. The research that has been done says this will give me an 80% chance of having a successful pregnancy. I am trying not to dwell on the other 20%. My God is bigger than statistics. I beat the odds once before.

I look at these little pills, so tiny, the raised outline of a heart on one side of each pill. I swallow a little heart every day. These pills thin my blood, help it to pass easily, clot-less, through my arteries to my lungs and eventually my heart. 

I erased Violet's due date from my calendar months ago. I thought maybe I wouldn't remember it without a written reminder. How silly of me. Two weeks away, and I feel myself thinking about it throughout the day. These little yellow heart pills, they are a reminder.

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-EE Cummings, "I Carry Your Heart With Me"